Farewell
by DeducingLoki
Summary: Dan has an illness that won't go away, so he takes pills to numb the pain. These are his final moments with his roommate and best friend, Phil. WARNING: Suicide, major character death, angst. May be triggery (?). Featuring the youtubers Dan Howell (danisnotonfire) and Phil Lester (AmazingPhil). Please R&R!


**Name:** Farewell

**Fandom:** Phan (though not shipping)

**Pairing: **Dan Howell and Phil Lester

**Warnings: **Angst/Major Character death/Tragedy

**Additional notes:** Based off Thoughts Room music. The story is short enough to be able to read along to this song, so listen to it if you want some serious atmosphere. This is not a romance story, it's a bromance story, and it's only Phannish if you squint hard enough.

I do not own Dan or Phil (although if I did… ehehehe)

* * *

Phil couldn't tear his eyes off his roommate's weary face. He was pale and held a sheet of sweat still. Dan had settled down on his bed, to his "second-to-final resting place", as he called it fondly. Phil plumped the pillows, stroked down the sheets, laid his younger friend down on the bed and sat beside him in a chair next to the bed. He couldn't help but smile faintly as Dan pulled open his laptop, typed a few hundred words and closed it again. _He must be saying goodbye, and finishing last minute preparations, _thought Phil despairingly. _The fans will be so, so devastated. I'll be devastated. _He checked his watch. _Not long now. Then he'll be at peace; and I'll be alone. He'll be dead. Gone. Forever. _His eyes welled with tears, his throat in agony from trying to hold them back. Dan drew in a breath, and began to speak. He hadn't thought what he wanted to say through; he wanted them to be honest and from his heart.

"Phil… I want you to know that I'm thankful. I truly am." Sincerity flowed from the man's lips

"Ssh Dan, just… try to sleep. It'll be over soon." Phil brushed him off. _What are you doing? Listen to him, _his mind cried.

"No. Please listen to me, before I sleep." Tears rolled down both men's cheeks now; a cascade of goodbyes.

"I know, this sounds ridiculous, and you will laugh in the future when the pain's gone, if there is any pain at all…" Dan started, the pills still claggy in his throat. _Not long now, hurry up!_

"But you saved my life." Dan continued. Phil shook his head in denial, a lump too large to move in his throat, preventing him from speaking. _I don't want to hear this, _he thought.

"So many times I thought I would take my own life, until you inspired me. You gave me the courage to face my demons, confront them and be a better person. You gave me hope, and brightened my future. You're my hero, I suppose. Except without the tight pants and the cape; that's a sight I'd rather not see." Phil snorted despite the tears, not caring how unattractive the sound and sight must have been to any onlooker; he was beyond composure with his emotions.

"Shut up Dan. Close your eyes." Phil whispered, his voice refusing to strengthen. Dan smiled and closed them. He remained this way for a few more moments before he opened them again.

"I hope I was good enough. We've had a pretty awesome time, right?"

"Yeah." Phil laughed, "Yeah we have. Look, I know you don't have long now, so I need to say this now before I lose my chance. I think you saved me, actually. Before you came into my life like the crazy stalker you were, I had no purpose; no clue! I was a nerdy northern boy with a weird looking haircut and an obsession with Lions. So thank you. You stormed into my life, caused a riot, became my best friend, and now you're bustling your way out of it." He nudged Dan playfully, which earned a laugh from him.

"I'll miss that laugh." Phil murmured. Dan's warm, chocolate eyes stared into Phil's azure ones.

"This isn't the end, Phil. Not at all. Wherever the hell I go now, I'll still watch over you, so don't do anything stupid. Because I'll watch the shit out of you."

"Stalker." Phil muttered. Dan snorted, and slowly shut his eyes, never taking them off Phil, his breathing becoming deep and heavy. Phil, without thinking, began to stroke Dan's face soothingly. He didn't know what else to do, but this felt right. He didn't care anymore, only for his friend whose life was slipping away from him rapidly.

"Phil, I-"

"Ssh."

"Thank you. Bye Phil." Dan smiled. With a few sighs more, he was gone. His chest stilled along with his heart. Phil let out a broken sob. Those final words would haunt Phil forever. They were simple, yet the most painful words he'd ever hear. Dan was finally at peace, after months of pain. Phil was relieved at that, but he was numb. He slumped to the floor, below his friend on the bed. He'd never slept in the same room as Dan, because they lived in the flat together; it was almost the same thing. Phil knew it would be the last time he would ever see his friend in their flat, and it would be the last time Phil would ever share his flat with anyone. After this, it was over. For good. No going back, now or ever. Phil sobbed from the floor.

Outside, the world carried on turning. Like it always did. People carried on smiling, birds carried on singing, the sun continued to shine. But not for Phil. For Phil, those days of happiness were gone. They stopped along with Dan's heart.

Two weeks later, and Phil was ready. The funeral had been and gone, he'd paid his respects and said goodbye (although he'd already said goodbye properly; at the funeral he was going through the motions through loyalty to Dan and his legacy), and now he had one thing left to do before he was supposed to "let go". The video was loaded; he just had to press play. Nervously, Phil clicked the button. The screen went dark for a few seconds, and then Dan appeared. He was sat on his bed, wearing his black top with the white circle on it, a familiar shirt with everyone.

"Hey Phil! I'm celebrating right now because if you're watching this video it means I had the balls to actually take my own life and save on some of the pain!" Dan laughed, whilst cheery video gaming music played in the background.

"So, this is my last video to you. This is for you only, so don't let anyone else see it, okay? Or I'll haunt you." He joked. He smiled briefly, before it faded into a wistful gaze into the camera.

"Now, I have no freaking idea what I told you when I… you know. So if I repeat what I've already said, don't get all bitchy, okay?" He took a deep breath, and continued. "I was bullied a lot when I was in secondary; you know that anyway. But what you probably- hopefully- don't know yet, is that I used to hurt myself. I didn't pick up a knife, but I certainly bruised myself, pulled my hair, etcetera, etcetera… I couldn't look in the mirror without wanting to die. But that all changed when I found you on the internet. I know it wasn't that long ago, but you made me see that if I have a voice, I might as well use it. So I did. And look where we are now!" Following those words, a quick reel of his accomplishments played, with all the notable things he'd achieved featured in 2 second clips. Following about six accomplishments, he appeared on the screen again.

"There is the most important accomplishment I haven't featured, which I'd like to say rather than show the clip of. And that is that I became best friends with you. Without meaning to, you've become the centre of my world, and I'm not even gay." He joked, sticking his thumbs up. "I'm going to keep this short and to the point, because I know there are things you need to do. So, here we go." He took a deep breath, and began.

"Phil Lester. You are my best friend, my partner in crime, and the one person I can be myself with. You showed me how being different should be celebrated, not shamed, and that I am good at making videos! Without you, I'd probably be some lonely loser working in Tesco's or something. You bring out the best in me, and I wish I told you that more before I died. But I don't think I did, did I? I don't know, I made this around four months before I died, I think.

"Anyway, you're my idol. So thank you, Phil, for everything. I don't want you to be too sad about me. I'm still there, if you look really hard enough! I'll never truly be gone. What I'm trying to say is, don't wallow. Because then you'll feel like shit for the rest of your life. Live a little! Get with that hairdresser you fancy, because she deserves someone as fantastic as you. I've been told in the past you've helped save lives without realising, and I've never told anyone this, but I agree. You have saved lives, including mine. So, goodbye Phil. My best friend, my roommate, and my hero. Have a really, really good life. I'll see you on the other side, but not too soon please. Bye!" He gave his familiar salute goodbye, with a sincere smile.

There were tears in his eyes, but he smiled anyway. He always marched on, despite the tears. Always. The screen faded to dark, and then a silent reel of moments that Dan and Phil were together in played. Including from the Jamaica trip, from Truth or Dare, Would You Rather, from Phil is not on fire and Amazing Dan, and even from Becoming YouTube. In all of the clips, they were smiling and laughing. At the end of the one minute reel, it paused on the two of them making love hearts at the screen, and faded to black. Phil nodded in satisfaction. It was a fitting farewell, he thought. And just like that, he felt something in his heart break off; like a terrible burden had floated away, detached itself. For the first time in two weeks, Phil managed to smile. It was small, and hurt his cracked lips, but it was a steady start. He whispered through tears.

"Goodbye Dan." He logged in to Tumblr, sat down and wrote a blog entry. He titled it, "I have some very sad news." He attached his mini-vlog explaining at all, posted it, and sat back to wait for the notes, the asks, for the tweets of sorrow. He closed his eyes, a foreign feeling of peace and serenity washing over him. He still hurt, and would hurt for a long time to come, but Dan was at peace, everyone knew of his situation, and it was time to honour something Dan had said in the past. Phil remembered something Dan had said in an interview, and it suddenly seemed oh so tragically relevant.

"You only live once, so make it a happy one."

* * *

**I hope it was good! Is it bad that I cried whilst writing this? I had the music playing in the background whilst listening to it, which didn't really help. Follow me on Tumblr for updates if I'm doing more like this!**

** .com**


End file.
